i hate it here

i miss the life i could have had - i miss the world we could have had - i miss having things to offer    i miss being unaware of the air shared sharing drinks from my cup breaking bread asking and being asked want a taste
intimacy
personhood 

i miss existing outside of a screen i miss the things i used to dread unexpected company gatherings when i’d rather be alone i miss hangovers on a friends couch i miss i’ll never drink again   i miss green rooms i miss stage fright i miss panic attacks between call times i miss laminated stage name on an itchy lanyard i miss myself i miss cockiness i miss my voice

i miss the future 

i miss spontaneous hope- not the practice- but the random dandelion blown onto your skin for no reason like the kind of thursday morning that inspires making plans

i think i miss the world we almost made 

when people said my mask protects you your mask protects me 

and i did what i always do what always ends with me alone with my hurt i took it literally 

i fell from such heights 

i fell from mount negative pcr test required on entry

i fell from the top of we keep us safe 

onto here

 where people laugh

 and people sneer

 and trip those stumbling still

i hate it here